I woke up this morning at about 6:30 AM and I wanted to go back to sleep because I realized you are gone now. I love you so much and I miss you so much. I'm unbelievably sorry that I could not have spoken to you closer to the day that you passed away. I would have told you how much I loved you again. I would have spent more time on the phone with you. I would have just been there. I wish I had been there for you around the day that you left this world. Now, you're gone. I can't say or do anything to make this right. I just don't want to be without you. I feel like I have failed you somehow, that with your body filling up with fluid, I should have called you more and tried to reach you more. I love you, mom. Please know this. I truly love you and you will always be in my heart. I wish I knew what to expect after someone dies. I wish we knew. It seems so cruel that we do no know, that there is no obvious, scientific concrete answer. I wish there was and that the answer was the spirit is still there and sees how much everyone loved you and misses you. I wish that the answer was that you are still here and can know that I just want to hold your hand, to hug you, to laugh with you, to tell you how much you mean to me - just one more time. I just want to be there to say goodbye to you and have you hear my voice say it.
Why couldn't your birthday card have come earlier? I would have called you to thank you. I would have told you that I liked the card and that I missed you. I now remember I said that I missed you the last time I talked to you. Because it was true. I really do miss you and I will always miss you.
I don't know how I am going to go to work today. The tears just will not stop flowing and all I want to do is think about you. Well, that is all I can do. You permeate everything I do and think right now. Life is so precious, so beautiful. Oh, mom. I hope you can hear these words somehow. I hope you can hear me and feel my love for you. I just want you to know how much I loved you. We can never say it enough or show it enough.